Time Machine

The same feeling, a different situation. 


Have you ever been in a situation that feels so familiar? It's like being back to a certain time, place and emotion but in a different setting. It might be because we are so attached to the past and sometimes, because of that, we tend to hold on to that strand of memory; and to make it more complicated, it is the worst of the memories that we clearly remember. Sure we will always remember the good times and the happiness it has brought upon us once upon a time, but you can't deny the fact that a painful memory not only lashes out the supposedly closed wounds it has left in our soul.


Pain, they say, is a friend. It never leaves us until we don't want him anymore. He is a friend who lives off our tormenting memories of the past, present and the future. The author of this blog is currently experiencing a kind of pain so please do pardon his random ranting and failure to compose a consistent post. Going back, Pain is worth every single teardrop that is shed by everyone. A lonely person sheds a tear, failing to recognize Hope as an acquaintance in the days of depression. 


A very popular quote goes 'He who laughs the loudest, cries the most.' I pretty much think that it is accurate. As a happy person, I tend to overreact when it comes to expressing emotions. Right now, I know I am in pain. However, I don't know why I can no longer express the pain I am feeling. I used to hastily cry every time I feel pain but now, it feels different. I can feel the pain inside, I remember this feeling from long ago. I remember how it made me blue and how I was able to waste my life thinking why I came to that point where I just broke down. I don't know if I learned from my previous emotions or I am now just numb.


I feel numb, I think. 
I want to share what I have inside but I don't want to talk about it.


I want to be a better person. I want to stop being so needy. 
Help me change myself back to the genuinely happy me.


Why the f*ck am I even talking like this.

(un)familiar feeling

It was never really easy for me to understand how I can express what I really feel towards you. 

Heck I even gave up on the idea of telling you at all. I thought it was too early and why should I? It won’t make any difference anyway. I know that you do not feel the same way. Actually, I don’t. I don’t know what is on your mind and that, my friend, is exactly my point. I am too afraid to ask because whatever your answer might be, I am much of a coward to accept it.

I hope there’s a way for me to just know how you feel about it. Para tapos na. I don’t understand why I feel this way. I feel confused and weird. It’s like a brand new scary feeling but it feels familiar and good at the same time. Maybe I need to ask myself a hundred times again...Is it true? This feeling that I have? Am I not just overwhelmed? I certainly don’t know if this is wrong or right, true or not. All I know is that this is a good feeling, but it hurts as well.

If you read this (which would be somehow next to impossible), let me have a clue.

I won’t mind any kind of answer. I think I just need to know.

I think.

So I won’t get hurt.

I think. 

Nakaka-frustrate yung feeling. 
Kasi hindi ko naman alam ba't ganto feeling ko. 
WALA AKONG DAHILAN PARA SABIHIN SAYO KASI HINDI KO NAMAN ALAM KUNG MERON NGA BA TALAGA

/wrist

Challenge accepted

I can be happy if I want to and I choose to be.
I did everything to make sure I won't get hurt but I was caught off-guard and did not expect that you'd do what you just did.
I will make myself well, so someday, you will see me with a different eye.
Let's just hope that I'd still be interested.

I will be a better person, just wait and see.

The exponential form of interaction

Each eye contact caught for a split-second seems like an eternal stare at each other.

Every single moment our skin brushes each other, feels like the caress of a long forgotten feeling of love.

Each word we share seem like the melodies I want you to sing to me.

The laughs we used to create in unison seem like the laughter of trust and comfort of a long relationship.

Hang-ups and our tired rants seem like our mutual problems we share and seek comfort from each other.

Smiles we so timidly express when we stare at each other are the smiles of an everlasting love.

The interaction that we have is so simple, so plain and so gray...

..Yet you give me the reason to make it feel like it's meant to be felt in an expanded form.

PS: I'm still waiting for the right moment to share this with you. 

If I was a lion

I am a really happy bloke, thank you very much. 

I have a very good family, the perfect job, enough skills and talents to get by and a very positive take on life. You think I couldn't ask for more, right? Well, yeah...kind of. Actually, I have a tiny single wish left. I wish I could experience what it feels like to be loved again. For the past couple of years after my recent relationship ended, I have vowed to search for the right person who is going to be perfect. I desperately looked everywhere for that single person who's gonna make me feel appreciated and loved. I failed. I miserably failed. I ended up hurting myself again and again. There were times I just want to sit quietly and cry while I drink a beer, listen to songs that are certified to break any heart, and just quit anything related to hope. 

My friends scolded me for doing such. They told me I should stop searching and just wait for the right time. They said I am the kind of person that should be 'liked' and not the one 'liking'. I realized that a little too late when I met someone whom I never thought I'd be liking. We clicked, just like that. However, certain complications made me feel that this could end up in another heartbreak so I'm really holding back - and right now, it hurts. 

I just want to share this because I need to vent out without prejudice from others. 

I am happy, I just can't convince myself that I deserve to be happy - alone or not. :'|

_________________________________________________________

"It's not that easy being green
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold
Or something much more colorful like that"