Time Machine

The same feeling, a different situation. 


Have you ever been in a situation that feels so familiar? It's like being back to a certain time, place and emotion but in a different setting. It might be because we are so attached to the past and sometimes, because of that, we tend to hold on to that strand of memory; and to make it more complicated, it is the worst of the memories that we clearly remember. Sure we will always remember the good times and the happiness it has brought upon us once upon a time, but you can't deny the fact that a painful memory not only lashes out the supposedly closed wounds it has left in our soul.


Pain, they say, is a friend. It never leaves us until we don't want him anymore. He is a friend who lives off our tormenting memories of the past, present and the future. The author of this blog is currently experiencing a kind of pain so please do pardon his random ranting and failure to compose a consistent post. Going back, Pain is worth every single teardrop that is shed by everyone. A lonely person sheds a tear, failing to recognize Hope as an acquaintance in the days of depression. 


A very popular quote goes 'He who laughs the loudest, cries the most.' I pretty much think that it is accurate. As a happy person, I tend to overreact when it comes to expressing emotions. Right now, I know I am in pain. However, I don't know why I can no longer express the pain I am feeling. I used to hastily cry every time I feel pain but now, it feels different. I can feel the pain inside, I remember this feeling from long ago. I remember how it made me blue and how I was able to waste my life thinking why I came to that point where I just broke down. I don't know if I learned from my previous emotions or I am now just numb.


I feel numb, I think. 
I want to share what I have inside but I don't want to talk about it.


I want to be a better person. I want to stop being so needy. 
Help me change myself back to the genuinely happy me.


Why the f*ck am I even talking like this.

(un)familiar feeling

It was never really easy for me to understand how I can express what I really feel towards you. 

Heck I even gave up on the idea of telling you at all. I thought it was too early and why should I? It won’t make any difference anyway. I know that you do not feel the same way. Actually, I don’t. I don’t know what is on your mind and that, my friend, is exactly my point. I am too afraid to ask because whatever your answer might be, I am much of a coward to accept it.

I hope there’s a way for me to just know how you feel about it. Para tapos na. I don’t understand why I feel this way. I feel confused and weird. It’s like a brand new scary feeling but it feels familiar and good at the same time. Maybe I need to ask myself a hundred times again...Is it true? This feeling that I have? Am I not just overwhelmed? I certainly don’t know if this is wrong or right, true or not. All I know is that this is a good feeling, but it hurts as well.

If you read this (which would be somehow next to impossible), let me have a clue.

I won’t mind any kind of answer. I think I just need to know.

I think.

So I won’t get hurt.

I think. 

Nakaka-frustrate yung feeling. 
Kasi hindi ko naman alam ba't ganto feeling ko. 
WALA AKONG DAHILAN PARA SABIHIN SAYO KASI HINDI KO NAMAN ALAM KUNG MERON NGA BA TALAGA

/wrist

Challenge accepted

I can be happy if I want to and I choose to be.
I did everything to make sure I won't get hurt but I was caught off-guard and did not expect that you'd do what you just did.
I will make myself well, so someday, you will see me with a different eye.
Let's just hope that I'd still be interested.

I will be a better person, just wait and see.

The exponential form of interaction

Each eye contact caught for a split-second seems like an eternal stare at each other.

Every single moment our skin brushes each other, feels like the caress of a long forgotten feeling of love.

Each word we share seem like the melodies I want you to sing to me.

The laughs we used to create in unison seem like the laughter of trust and comfort of a long relationship.

Hang-ups and our tired rants seem like our mutual problems we share and seek comfort from each other.

Smiles we so timidly express when we stare at each other are the smiles of an everlasting love.

The interaction that we have is so simple, so plain and so gray...

..Yet you give me the reason to make it feel like it's meant to be felt in an expanded form.

PS: I'm still waiting for the right moment to share this with you. 

If I was a lion

I am a really happy bloke, thank you very much. 

I have a very good family, the perfect job, enough skills and talents to get by and a very positive take on life. You think I couldn't ask for more, right? Well, yeah...kind of. Actually, I have a tiny single wish left. I wish I could experience what it feels like to be loved again. For the past couple of years after my recent relationship ended, I have vowed to search for the right person who is going to be perfect. I desperately looked everywhere for that single person who's gonna make me feel appreciated and loved. I failed. I miserably failed. I ended up hurting myself again and again. There were times I just want to sit quietly and cry while I drink a beer, listen to songs that are certified to break any heart, and just quit anything related to hope. 

My friends scolded me for doing such. They told me I should stop searching and just wait for the right time. They said I am the kind of person that should be 'liked' and not the one 'liking'. I realized that a little too late when I met someone whom I never thought I'd be liking. We clicked, just like that. However, certain complications made me feel that this could end up in another heartbreak so I'm really holding back - and right now, it hurts. 

I just want to share this because I need to vent out without prejudice from others. 

I am happy, I just can't convince myself that I deserve to be happy - alone or not. :'|

_________________________________________________________

"It's not that easy being green
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold
Or something much more colorful like that"

to the people we love (March 15, 2010)

to the people we love,
you should be thankful
that we manage to squeeze our thoughts on you
amidst this crazy schedule we have.

we dwell on your lives, loves and laughs
without you even knowing how or why we exist.
creating an illusion of sighs and sniffs,
a star on my own, a shadow for your stare.

to the people we love,
appreciation is not needed nor wanted.
talking on ourselves about the love we never could have
is fulfilling enough

sharing our sentiments over the flowing beer
the billowing smoke of a thousand cigarettes
and cradling rhythm of tragic songs,
we learn to be strong, but fail to understand giving up.

to those people we love
may you never know what we really feel.
for exposing the truth is ruthless rape
to our hearts, souls and sanity.

the next time we pass by each other,
promise us that you would never look back
as i stare into your eyes that talks of nothingness
for we are happy enough to feel and express love silently...

...to the people we love

_________________________________

I wrote this poem out of boredom and hunger. It was a day when I remembered something painful and it was also a time when my friends around me were sharing sentiments about their forlorn love. This poem says it all. I do not have to explain further lest I want you to know who I am talking about. A fish wouldn't get into trouble if he'd keep his mouth shut. Hehe.

happy meal (09/01/2009)

It was already 6:46, I was supposed to meet my father at the SM Annex by 6PM. I wasn't able to text him about the delay of my arrival because my phone's battery died after frantically exchanging texts with my group mates. We all ran out of money to shoulder the expenses for our group project. It was very stressful because I was thinking a lot of things at the same time. I decided to go home first then recharge my phone and go back to the mall to meet my father. After arriving at the bus stop in front of SM North, I walked laboriously towards the sky garden not minding my 3 day-old hunger pang. As I was about to enter the mall, I saw my father smiling, like he had been there forever waiting. I smiled and said

"Pa, lowbat po kasi ako eh, kanina ka pa?"

he replied "Nakita kitang bumaba dun sa bus, bakit dun ka pa dumaan anlayo?"

I was amazed that he, once again, was able to find me wherever I go, and regardless of how long I've been gone.
We went to KFC afterward and mama was able to catch up with us. It was euphoric because the week has been very stressful for me (lack of sleep, money and food - I even passed out once.) It was very ideal to have dinner without ever minding if you'd still have money for the next day.

haha. wala lang. i miss being a kid again.
happy meal na lang, kumpleto na.
_________________

Well, this is definitely one of my favorite posts. This reflects all the longing I have felt during my college years. I have experienced the ultimate form of hunger and when I remember the days and the things I used to do when I was  hungry, I just smile and miss the good old days when I used to eat kanin with ketchup packet and a tomato. Hahaha. Those were the days. Also, most importantly, this post reminds me of how sweet my parents can be. They definitely are not showy with their emotions that is why when they show affection towards us, it's always surprising and effectively sweet. And we also had McDonald's delivery last night so I opted this post.